Approximately six months after Cindy died, I went to Abilene to visit my kids at college. On my return trip home, I received a call from Cindy’s mother. She told me she felt it was time I moved on with my life and to inform me she was at my house cleaning out Cindy’s clothes and had cleaned out the bathroom cabinet of all her perfumes, makeup, etc. In horror, I had no words and somehow remained in control of my car as I pulled over to understand what is going on?
After I stopped the car, my emotions went from trying to understand why she would do such a thing to the verge of going ballistic. All the things I had not touched since the funeral were no longer where I left them. She said, now Charles, calm down and let me explain. I think you need to get out of your slump and for the sake of the grandchildren, move on and begin dating again. I was speechless with no words. I think in shock is a better description, but she continued to explain.
She said, “Now Charles, my grandchildren, especially Vanessa needs a woman to talk to and you need to go find one.”
Shocked and in disbelief. It was as if at that moment, time froze. My feelings about her invasion of my home, not to mention the betrayal of her own daughter.
She said, I hope you don’t mind? My response was, yes, I mind and I asked her to leave. She said, I threw nothing away, but have everything all packed up for you. She said she put all of Cindy’s jewelry in a box because she felt the kids would like to have them. I said I wish you would have asked before doing such a thing. She assured me again that she threw nothing away. I hung up the phone without saying goodbye.
The following three-hour drive seemed like twelve. There was silence in the car, but internally my screams were deafening as part of me wanted to see what she had done and the other part of me did not want to go home at all to face the uninvited intrusion.
Sleeping in our bedroom day after day, Cindy’s things never bothered me. I know some men who have left the funeral home, gone home and cleaned out all of their spouse’s belongings. I have known other men who moved much more slowly and took months or longer to deal with such things. For me, I was busy running a business and seeing to my children. I was not ready to face removing her belongings and I was ignoring my reality.
“Only you will know the proper time to take your next step. I was just getting an unwelcome nudge I had not asked for.”
Upon arrival, my fears calmed. I realize this was an act of love and not an intrusion. Many parents lose a child. They fear when a surviving spouse remarries, we will forget them. My mother-in-law was selfless. Her encouragement for me to move on and her willingness to be left behind to support her grandchildren was selfless. She placed her grandchildren above her own needs. That is genuine love.
Until all of this happened, I had not realized that it scared me to face my reality. I was resisting and just existing. Later, I could look back and see just how caught up I was in my contentment instead of facing my reality. There must have been a part of me that was afraid to let go. Down deep, I must have felt as long as I keep her things, she was still here. It was not until her mother stepped in and made me see the facts; I woke up to realize what I had been doing. It was not until I give away her clothes, pack up the things I felt the kids would want, and dispose of the rest that I realized what a void I had been living, both physically and emotionally. A great friend Shiela told me to take some of her clothes and make a memory teddy bear for the kids. I put some things in storage and probably spent more on storage than I should, but this process allowed me to heal in ways that until then I could not see or understand. The important lesson here is not how much or little you keep; it is the necessity of facing your fears and dealing with your own reality and move forward with your own life.
I believe that only you will know when that time is correct to move on. I needed a little push to help me get started. I believe that her mom’s actions were not an intrusion; they were genuine love. This does not mean you should allow others to push you before you are ready. Just be open to the wisdom from those closest to you and then step back and see if their suggestions are best for you.