4 Ways to Comfort a Widower Who is Grieving
Some excerpts are taken from the Elder Guru article
The death of a wife could be one of the most challenging events an older man can face, leaving family members and friends wondering about ways to comfort a widower. Before the death of a spouse, married men enjoy better health and greater longevity than those who are not married.
But there’s a big problem once a spouse dies. Of all the unmarried people, those with the worst health and elevated risk of death are widowed. Widowhood increases economic vulnerability and financial strain, especially for women and racial-ethnic minorities.
There is significantly less written on helping widowers than on helping widows. Because women overwhelmingly outlive men, it only makes sense that there is more content on widows. However, widowers also need help, as evidenced by the prevalence of widower syndrome.
What is Widower’s Syndrome
Widower’s syndrome is when there’s a much greater chance for a widower to die within three months after his spouse dies. It’s also called the widowhood effect.
Loss of income is sometimes cited as a reason widowhood negatively affects health among women, but this hasn’t necessarily been found valid for men.
Just because dying before their time is a reality for many widowers and widows doesn’t mean it has to happen to you.
In one National Institutes of Health study from 2014, researchers did look at the positive side of widowhood and found that older adults can be highly resilient and successfully cope and adapt to the loss of a spouse. Social support is what alleviates the deleterious effects of adverse life events.
6 Stages of Grief for a Widower
There are seven stages in the grieving process for a widower. Understanding these can help you offer much compassion for someone who has lost their spouse.
While these stages are listed numerically, they are not necessarily linear. A widower could start at one stage and move backward and forward repeatedly.
1 – Denial and Disbelief
The denial and disbelief stage is often associated with uncontrollable emotions. It’s closely associated with a state of shock. Along with these feelings is a type of brain fog that includes short-term memory loss.
Feeling that a spouse’s absence is only temporary is common. What goes with this denial is the feeling that she will be preparing your dinner any minute. Another characteristic is talking to the spouse as if she is there. Denial or disbelief may occur until there is an acceptance that she’s not returning.
2 – Anger
A widower’s anger could be at oneself, God, or any person the widower may choose. The anger is often manifested in those who are nearby. Expressing anger is better than holding it in. However, asking for forgiveness is essential when you take your anger out on others.
3 – Bargaining for a Different Outcome
Widowers may ask God why He didn’t take you instead of your spouse. It may involve bargaining for a different outcome. Even though this may be irrational, it’s a widespread response. The widower may promise to make changes, repent, or even offer his life in exchange for his wife’s return.
4 – Guilt
Guilt occurs because many believe they should have been the person who died instead of the spouse. It’s associated with self-blame. Guilt starts by making a widower feel there were things he should have done differently but then exaggerates if he starts feeling bad for being alive, eating, breathing, and progressing forward in life. Guilt can progress to depression.
5 – Depression
Depression may take time to develop. Caregivers may be looking for it from the outset, wondering why it isn’t immediate. Depression is a typical response, and it will almost certainly come when the widower accepts that nothing will bring his wife back and widowhood is his reality.
Watch for signs such as the inability to sleep, appetite loss, sadness that doesn’t leave, lethargy, and feeling as if there’s not much hope.
6 – Acceptance
In this final stage of grief, the remaining spouse begins looking forward instead of backward. They are accepting their situation. It may take a few years to enter this stage, but it is possible. Just know that acceptance is not necessarily the same as hope.
4 Main Ways to Comfort a Widower
There are always things you can do to comfort a widower. You can use your words, good memories, food, and actions.
1 – Comforting a Widower with Your Heart Through Words
Words can be as sweet as honey or cut like a dagger. Choosing words with caution is one of the best ways to comfort a widower, and those words can affect the outcome of a widower’s life. We are all prone to accept words spoken as ‘gospel’ whenever we are in a state of trauma or a highly charged emotional experience.
What to Say to a Widower
- I’m sorry for your loss.
- My condolences.
- I’m very sorry you are going through this.
- My heart goes out to you during this time of grief and readjustment.
These statements express heartfelt intentions to the widower. They do not harm in any way.
- She will be missed a lot!
This comforting statement assures the widower he is not alone in missing her.
- I’m here for you.
- I’m listening.
The #1 thing a widower needs is to be listened to. Maybe he is feeling some guilt about something not done for his spouse. Maybe he wants to confide in someone (you) about a situation. Listening is your best skill during the grief process.
- I love you.
- You are in my thoughts and prayers.
These statements express love and intentionality. Religious and spiritual individuals may appreciate you including them in your prayers.
- You are not alone.
In grief, there is always a feeling of aloneness and that others have no concept of what the person is going through.
2 – Your Good Memories of the Deceased Person
Sharing a memory does a lot of good to the soul of someone going through grief. First, it gives the griever another perspective of their loved one. In every relationship, there will always be good and bad experiences – and both will most likely be replayed in the grieving spouse’s mind. By giving him one or more pleasant memories you shared with the deceased person, you strengthen the links to those good events in his brain.
Sharing good memories also puts your friend in a better mindset and may help him prevent depression. If you have several good memories, you might spread them out over time to share with your friend, giving him another boost of positive energy that will last a little while.
3 – Comforting a Widower with Your Heart Through Food
While grieving, making cooking for yourself seems like too much effort. Once the widower stops eating regular meals, it’s too easy for him to start developing health issues that could contribute to poor moods and depression.
4 – Comforting a Widower with Your Heart Through Action
When someone goes through the grieving process, he may not want to do ‘usual’ activities, especially the ones that are drudgery, to begin with. The list includes laundry, dishes, cleaning the bathroom, shopping, and even doing daily activities with the pets, such as giving them food and water or taking them out for walks. You can be the one that devotes two hours a week to one of these activities, or you could hire someone to help the widower for a few weeks to several months. Your efforts will not go unnoticed.
How Long Does a New Widower Grieve?
The grieving process is different for everyone, but researchers report that the most critical time is the first 12-18 months. However, follow the person’s progress over the first two and a half years, as some may need the extra time.