CONSIDERING DATING AGAIN? MOVE FORWARD WITH CAUTION
A CLIENT ASKED ME THIS?
I am a divorced woman who is dating a widower whose wife was a very close friend. Our relationship has moved from friendship to something more personal. We have not said the word love, but we enjoy each other’s company and feel comfortable together. I do not live in the same town any longer, but he called me and asked me to come for a visit. He seemed like he was doing well and he said he wanted to see me.
When I arrived, I noticed he still had all her clothes and other belongings in her closet and in his bathroom. It seemed a little strange to me for him to still have her clothes, makeup, jewelry, etc. I know they are just things and they should not matter to me, but I still felt uncomfortable. When I asked him why he had not given them away, he said he was just not ready. Our weekend went well and I would like to see him again. He has called several times and now wants me to come back for another visit, but according to him, he is still not ready to get rid of her belongings. What should I do?
MY RESPONSE
You stated your relationship is deeper than just friendship. You implied that you both have feelings for each other and have a desire to advance your relationship. You need to know that many Widowers have a track record of hiding their grief and not dealing with the truth at hand. I am not saying he is untruthful, but I am saying to you, be cautious. You revealed her belongings made you feel uncomfortable. To him, they may be a reminder of his loss. To you, they may create a feeling of betraying a friend and as long as some of her belongings remain, you may have to compete with her getting his full attention. This is all true.
The fact is, he is still grieving and is most likely not ready to move forward into a new relationship. Many widowers are just lonely and will move forward without doing the work of completing the grieving process. He still cannot let go because of many factors:
>He could be afraid of disposing of her belongings.
>He could fear letting go of what he had.
>He may feel like he is betraying her but will invite you into their world. This is a form of cheating without admitting it.
>If he has children, he is not wanting to hurt their feelings.
>He is hiding his grief and not facing the facts.
One reason could be, some men don’t want to let go just because getting rid of anything feels like another loss.
Despite these factors, he is still lonely and still has needs that may not be in your best interest. He could be the bravest, most courageous, most successful man you have ever met, yet many of those traits above in some form plague almost every widower. Men need companionship and many are afraid of being alone. I am not saying he is using you, but be cautious. He may not want commitment as much as companionship. Do not mistake his affections as love. At least not yet. Even though time is not the healer of grief, time can be a great tool in discovering someone’s intentions. People have different moods and personalities in different seasons of life. Don’t get too serious too fast.
He will know and be able to express to you when he feels he is ready to move on if he will put in the work of heal first. To move too quickly, you both can get hurt.
I refer you to a chapter in the Surviving Spouse Club book detailing the fact that you never forget your deceased spouse. Yet he will know when to move forward without fear, as he heals from his grief and will do so with confidence. Then, and only then, do you want to invest in this relationship.
The other mistake many people make is becoming intimate before commitment. Sex always confuses everything. Just like a drop of alcohol does not benefit the alcoholic, sex does the same for the widower who is confused about his own feelings, baffled about his situation. Hiding his grief and becoming intimate at the wrong time. He thinks he needs love when he needs to complete the grieving process. Then, he may be ready to commit to you. The bottom line here is, if he is not ready to let go of his past, he cannot take hold of you and make you part of his new life.
Individuals come with excess baggage. Everyone does. Widowhood is no different. If he does not take the time to unload his own baggage, adding yours to his will overload you both and the load may be more than either of you can handle successfully.
It sounds like you care for him. First, because he is a friend and second because you both have history and it seems like an easy connection. My suggestion is to give him time. Then, you will have a relationship worthy of building. If you are afraid that if you don’t become intimate with him, you might lose him, that means he was not the man you think he is and he would probably break your heart someday.
If possible, continue to be a supportive friend who probably knows more about his past than anyone. One thing in your favor is your long-distance friendship makes this more possible than if you were together all the time. He needs encouragement. He needs to talk about the past, to come to grips with his situation and not hide, but openly talking with friends can give him a great head start. If he is the right man, he is worth waiting on and if you are the right woman, he will wait for you. Protect your heart and his by giving him time to heal from his grief and allow each other time to build a solid future and a deep intimate love, without excess baggage.